What I Needed to Hear

I have mixed feelings about my job. I know I'm not alone in this, and it's not anything new to me. But because I'm a long-term sub in the position, my job has always felt temporary. All year, I never knew if the job would suddenly be filled, and I would be back to regular subbing. I never knew if I should plan something that would last a few weeks, only to be told half-way into it, I was done. So this whole year, I have been going week to week, and planning accordingly. Talk about being in limbo.

It wasn't until a couple weeks ago that I found out I will be in the position until the end of the year. Yet, because of this, I now need to take almost 35 days off so that I can last until the end of the school year. You see, as a sub, you can only sub 140 days, and there are 180 or so in the school year.

As I have been taking days off and thinking about ending the school year, a somewhat apathetic attitude has crept in. Even though I can plan some long-term projects now, I know that I won't be in the position next year. I can't help but think that it may be a lesson in futility. And taking time off gives me that separation and interruption to the continuity. Then the guilt factor creeps in. The reason I'm doing this work? The 250+ kids who depend on me to expose them to books and authors and computers. No pressure there.

Today I heard some kids say things that not only set my attitude straight, but also gave me a little lift. I was with the 3rd graders, and the conversation came around to why I had to take days off. Apparently the sub I had last week told them that I needed to take the days. I guess I wouldn't have told them these details, but whatever. As it came out that I was only a sub and that I wouldn't be here next year, a boy in the class who had overheard our conversation said, "You should be our teacher. Why can't you be our teacher?" I didn't go into details with him about the hiring process or the qualifications I lacked as part of No Child Left Behind. I was content knowing that I had reached them. That they liked what I taught them.

For the next class I had the 4th graders. They're a lively bunch, and I usually spend half of my time putting out small fires of incessant talking. But they all mean well, and have a good sense of humor. At one point we were talking, and again the idea of me as a sub came up. "I don't get it," one girl said. "Why can't you just be our teacher?" Again, I didn't go into details.

That was (selfishly) all I needed.