The Snooty Librarian

Oh, where is Marian the Librarian when you need her?

Yesterday I took the kids to the public library as part of their special reward activity. I first thought about taking the public bus, but the thought of wrangling 15-20 kids on the bus seemed way out of my comfort level. I decided we would walk. I clocked the distance on my car's odometer: just under 2 miles. No problem, I thought. We should make it to the library in about a half hour.

More like 45 minutes.

I didn't realize that some kids would be extremely slow (and complaining) walkers. As many of them ran to the front of the pack, it became obvious which kids were going to slow everyone down. I tried to keep my cool as a walked/ran between the two now-distant groups. I had everyone at the front of the line wait at each intersection for the whole group to catch up. Luckily I had 2 other adults with me, so it was easy to gather the troops. As the last straggler reached the group, the front sprinters would take off again.

When we finally arrived at the library, I gave them all the typical teacher talk. "We are in a public place. We are going to respect all the other people who are using the library. We are not going to talk loud or run around." It turns out that the person who I should've given the talk to was the librarian.

The kids were great in the library. A lot of them went straight to the areas that suited them. My rough boys stayed at the CD listening station the whole time. My comic kids went straight to the graphic novel section. My girly-girls picked out DVDs that suited their pre-teen tastes. All was right with the world.

Until I heard, "Where is your teacher?"

I looked up and saw one of my comic kids trying to use his library card. I asked what the problem was, and she started in on this snooty lecture: "Is this a spontaneous trip to the library, or did you arrange this in advance?" she barked at me. "Well, no it's not spontaneous," I explained. "I called this week and explained to the woman on the phone that we would be here this afternoon. But there are supposed to be thunderstorms this afternoon, so we switched it to this morning." She didn't even look at me when I was explaining. She just stood there with pursed lips staring at the computer screen in front of her. "Well," she added, "We can't process all of these library cards today, you know." "Yes, I'm well aware of that. I explained to the person I talked to on the phone that we would be bringing in applications, but I understood that they wouldn't be processed right away. The kids all know that they can come back in a week to pick them up." Again, without looking at me, she gave a little "hmm".

I was dumbfounded. I couldn't believe that I was getting an attitude from the place where I thought the friendliest people worked. I love going to the library because it feels like such a privilege to me. All the books, CDs, and DVDs you want, for free! Can't read them in the time allotted? Well, renew them! And the people there have always been so knowledgeable, courteous, and laid back. I guess we just threw this woman's day for a loop.

But that wasn't the end of it. While I was checking out some books using the self-checkout computers, I noticed that another one of my kids was trying to use his library card. He ended up innocently talking to Snooty herself. She shot me a look and said with a haughty laugh, "Why are all of these children trying to use expired library cards?" I looked at her with the most appalled expression. Trying to use expired library cards? I thought. Like they're trying to get away with something? I tried to remain calm and used my "low voice" as Mickey and I like to call it. "We didn't know they were expired. When the kids showed me they had library cards, I figured that they were valid. There is no way that I would've known that they were expired," I explained. "Well, you know that they need to have a parent present in order to get the card renewed, don't you?" she added authoritatively. "Okay," I said. "If that's what they need to do, they will do that, no problem." I swallowed hard and gave her a syrupy, "I apologize if this has been a problem." Again, she gave me a "hmmm" without looking at me.

Again I was dumbfounded. And really ticked off. I am still mad as I write this. I think I'm going to call the library and try to speak to someone about her. I don't think the kids were phased by it, but it really put a bad taste in my mouth. I don't want to have a bad taste in my mouth about the library. I love the library.

And I don't want to leave this post on a sour note, either. So I give you the lyrics to Marian the Librarian, sung by Prof. Harold Hill in the Music Man. Oh Marian, please come to Ann Arbor and give this woman a lesson in customer service and class.

Madam Librarian
What can I do, my dear, to catch your ear I love you madly, madly Madam Librarian...Marian
Heaven help us if the library caught on fire
And the Volunteer Hose Brigademen
Had to whisper the news to Marian...Madam Librarian!
What can I say, my dear, to make it clear I need you badly, badly, Madam Librarian...Marian
If I stumbled and I busted my what-you-may-call-it I could lie on your floor
'Till my body had turned to carrion....Madam Librarian.
Now in the moonlight, a man could sing it
In the moonlight
And a fellow would know that his darling
Had heard ev'ry word of his song
With the moonlight helping along.
But when I try in here to tell you, dear
I love you madly, madly, Madam Librarian...Marian
It's a long lost cause I can never win
For the civilized world accepts as unforgivable sin
Any talking out loud with any librarian
Such as Marian.....Madam Librarian.